My Future

So this weekend I hung out with my cousin. She's a junior so she's thinking about colleges, and she asked me where I want to go. To be honest I haven't a clue what I'm going to do with my life. I wrote a poem about it, though.

As Me Again

What do I want?

Ask me again in 5 years
When I’m smarter
When I’m sure to be prettier
When I might know the answer

But a blur fades the time
And I’m smarter
And I’m surely prettier
And ask me again in 5 years

When I’m educated
When I’m sure to be stabler
When I must know the answer

But a fade blurs the time
And I’m educated
And I’m surely stabler

But you know the answer already
Because 10 years have not passed,
Except in my head and I’m
Not smarter
And I’m surely not prettier
Unless drastic change was bottled in the
2 minutes since I last wrote

What do I want?

I want to be prettier
Smarter
I want to be educated
Stable
I want time to fade and blur
To a time when I get what I want

And the answer to your question will be
Ask me again in 5 years

Do you ever catch yourself under-appreciating something? It's kind of sad but inevitable. Forgetting to recognize something or someone that makes your life easier or better somehow. Like my best friend.

I've known her since the fourth grade and we've been good friends since then. I can't imagine my life without her. And I'm sure I thought that in fourth and fifth grade, but I never truly meant it until the next year.

Now I'm not going to go into that year, so if you're wondering about it, you can ask me, but I will say She helped me out. Since the sixth grade, I have not had a panic attack or cried or been hurt in a game without her knowing or without her perfectly placed (that is to say, perfect height) shoulder being there.

I cried today. In the middle of basketball practice. We were running on the track and I just ran down the stairs into the bathroom and cried. I can't tell you how long I was in there, but I don't think it was too long. It was long enough that my eyelids were bright red and the ever-present dark circles under my eyes grew darker (the only upside to crying is that it really makes my blue eyes pop).

When I finished and went back to practice, finally under control, She apologized. "I'm sorry," she said, "I kind of thought... but I didn't go. I'm sorry."

She didn't need to apologize. She doesn't need to apologize. But she did. I didn't ask her to come after me. If She'd seen, though, she would have.

She's my best friend, and I couldn't imagine my life without her. She apoligized, and I found myself appreciating her all over again, as I always do.

Sometimes, being Unique is the same as being unsociable

You know what sucks? Listening to music that no one else has heard of. I'm not saying I don't love it. I worship it.

But right now I'm obsessed with a remix that nobody's heard of of a song that nobody listens to by a band that nobody knows. And it's amazing. It's the kind of song that can change you're mood. Make you dance. Make you happy or calm.

It's the kind of song I want to share, but no one listens to The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, so they don't want to hear it, and so now I can't share this amazing mood-altering song with anyone.

I hate listening to indie music sometimes. Except that I don't. Because it's fabulous and it's the fault of everybody else that they don't get to enjoy it.

Anyway, to tie this into the title, when you're really into something unique that no one else knows, it's hard to socialize. All you can really talk about is whatever you're into, and no one wants to hear about it. So it makes me awkward. Difficult to relate to. Unique and Unsociable.

Back Corner

I really don't do much on the weekends, as I am too lazy to leave the house, so I tend to write poetry instead. This is something I wrote yesterday:

Back Left-hand Corner

There is a room in my mind
A crawl space in the back left-hand corner
Where sometimes I retreat
And I cannot hear you
And I cannot see you
And I cannot feel

In this room in my mind
Where I sometimes retreat
To a crawlspace in a corner
And you do not hear me
And you do not see me
And I am alone

And this place where I sometimes retreat
This room
This space in the left-hand corner
Has no room for two
Has no room for you
Has no room

So I am alone in a room
Where I sometimes retreat
In a crawl space in the back corner of my mind
And you do not hear me
And I cannot see you
And we are alone.

Stars and Me

I"m obsessed with this band, so I have to brag on it a little.

It all started a few years back when I started watching The O.C. For those of you who don't know, The O.C. is probably one of the best TV shows I've ever seen, and that's saying a lot. Now aside from having hot actors and witty dialogue, there's one very special thing that The O.C. has: Really Good Music. Now I had never heard Really Good Music before. I mean, I listened to whatever was on the radio, and poppy songs (not offend anyone. Pop music is also really good), but I'd never heard anything like this.

Now, to get back to the point, there was one song on the soundtrack by this band called Stars. I liked it a lot. It was really original and pretty, but kind of a downer. So I bought another of their songs, then another. Pretty soon I'd bought all but one of there albums, and I hadn't really listened to them (that's how I get into music. I get it, then I listen to it).

At first I thought of Stars as a really slow band. The kind I'd fall asleep to or get a little sad to. But then I listened harder and realized I was wrong.

Stars has produced some of the best music I've heard in my life. With their understated keyboard lines and poetic lyrics, they convey messages that range from inspiration and encouragement to regret and loss.

But it's more than their lyrics, it's their musicality. I'm not kidding. I don't think I've heard anyone who can build to a climax like they do in "In Our Bedroom After The War", or evoke such a sense of closure as in "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead". It truly takes my breath away.

So if you feel like you need to hear some new music-- maybe something of the Really Good Music variety-- try Stars. You don't have to like it, just know that I do.

Meter

So in English class, we're learning about Shakespeare and meter. It's weird, because I kind or understand meter, but I guess other people don't. Anyway, every time we talk about it, I think of this poem I wrote in which the last part is iambic.


Where’s My Childhood?

I cannot see through the filter of my memories
I cannot see through the sepia tinted haze
I cannot hear the thoughts I thunk
And I cannot view the world as I had
I cannot see through the muck of time

Detached, I am
From who I was
Astray from who I would be
Detached, my mind
From what it was
Detached
I cannot see

Shit! I don't understand technology!

So I'm kind of technologically stunted, that should make for a GREAT blog, am I right? Anyway, I'm trying to figure this out...